It's 7.48am now and the whole family (excluding my dad) just got home. I've never been more awake at this time. Unusual, because I was still sleeping soundly at 6am this morning.

I awoke to my mom's anxious calls at 6.10am and the first thing i breathed in, were chunks of smoke. "Get up, quick, I think there's a fire". And then my neighbour knocked anxiously on our door. "Get out of the house now, there's a fire!" Good, now somebody confirmed it within five minutes after I woke up and that was quick. The smoke was overwhelming and I couldn't breathe. We ran down the stairs, but got stucked on the sixth floor because the heat was too strong and the smoke was choking on us (I could hear shouting and firemen trying to bang down doors and it all sounded very scary at the moment). We back up to the seventh floor to go by the other staircase. I pass by an opened door and a little malay girl was standing there, "Ask your mother to come out of the house quick,". "There's a fire", my brother added, helpfully. Oh, yea, i almost forgot to tell.

There were already people crowding around when we got down to the void deck. And here, I got a better view of where the fire was coming from. It was from the third storey. It was dark and the electricity in that part of the block was out. The fire was burning like hell. As in the hell illustrated for picture books (for the first time, I wasn't using this word to emphasize my point like in "what the hell are you doing?", it is now, as I learnt from my new book, a metaphor). Strings of fire engines, ambulances, and police cars flooded my carpark, and the carpark was sealed up. Neighbours came down and started talking. My brother went up to get my uncle and his family, who is living on the fourth storey.

I heard the neighbours who are living on the third storey say that the corner which was burning used to be messy and filled with newspapers and fish tank and all those garang guni stuff. There are two units in that corner and both families were stucked in their houses because the fire was burning right in front of their doors. So it was the stuff that were burning, and creating such a big fire. I looked up and tried to imagine myself in their scenario. Then I stopped halfway through the scenario I was making up in my mind because if what I experienced in my own home was that bad, then the smoke from the fire outside their flats could most probably have already suffocated them.

The fire was out within 45 minutes (I had forgotten to bring my watch so I checked with my brother). The sky was still dark. What I saw next, seems depressing. A torchlight searched among the ashes. And I wondered what they would find. I wondered how the family was doing, because I heard there were children and an old lady inside. I tried to look away, and I thought about the punctured hole in a boy's arm I saw three days ago. The hole was the size of a fifty-cent coin, punctured inwards with the skin distored among his flesh, like if you poke a hole in a piece of paper with a pencil hard, you'll see the paper around the torn area going inwards. That was how the skin on the punctured hole looked like. I couldn't wash it with running water because it was too deep so I poured antiseptic lotion on a gauze and covered it, bandaged and sent him home. I found out that he had bumped into the edge of a whiteboard after being pushed by some kids. And then I thought about how all these things cannot be compared to what the firemen were looking for.

My part of the void deck (lift B) to the burning part (lift A) was sealed up by the police. People were all using lift C (the part of the block which was a safe distance from the burnt part) to come down. About another half hour later, my older cousin who lived on the fourth storey came by and said she saw the paramedics holding an unconscious malay little girl, and there were many children in that house. The police and firemen went up to every unit to evacuate everyone. Nobody was allowed to go back, except for those who lived near lift C (which is the safe part). So my family was stucked down there for nearly two hours before we all came back up quietly.

I've never been more awake than any of my usual days. What happened this morning scare me. I did not even think of bringing money and bank book and passport and watch and mobile phone and ipod and laptop and xiao mao and my favourite books; everything that seemed so important to me. Then I thought, if there's a fire, the first thing to be burnt away would be my books. And yet I was so upset over my broken book which was drenched a few days ago. It felt so bad to hold on to something and see that it's broken. Then I recalled what my younger cousin told me, that whatever things I have now are tangible and will never last in my life. It's the intangible things in each and everyone of us that matters. This morning when I stood there and watch the fire, I felt like crying. I am glad dad had gone to work before the fire started. I could still recall my mother's horrified voice this morning - "Get up, I think there's a fire". A fire broke dawn two days before the Lunar New Year. My brother said at least it's not a boring day. Well, true. Despite a depressing morning, I have to admit that this is a good one. Next time if my mother used the same sentence when I miss my alarm, she would defintely succeed in waking me up. It is 9.49am now, and the police cars are still downstairs. It's the investigating part that's tiring. I hope they find out the cause quickly so we could all be more careful in future, and hopefully to remind all of us to stop leaving newspapers and all sorts of rubbish along the corridor.

Well, to some, it is just a fire so no big fuss over it, but seriously, you will never think this way if you are part of it. Unknowingly, I made a new discovery. I found out that my inner nose was covered with soot when I rubbed it. My feet were also covered with soot (well... the feet part is still quite predicitable). Some of you might have already known this, but I just found out today about the inner nose and it's truly amazing to learn something out of an unusual day.

. I was late this morning. But as usual, I put my bag down in my cubicle, and fish out my book (the first thing to be removed from my bag all the time). To my surprise, the whole book was drenched and the edge of the cover was torn!

. I pushed (my broken book and mind1) out of my mind2 and went straight out to take the kids for their swimming lessons.

. I came back and looked at my broken book properly. And almost cried.

. I ran out of chocolates to give to some nice persons in school.

. I know what I am into at work.

. My name doesn't start with K but still, I know my colleague is calling me when he says the name. Except it makes me laugh. And I'm glad because it brings me out of what I was and still into.

. I am going to the tournament next week. My colleague says it's good to go. I haven't been to a tournament before so I guess its really a good thing if I were to be there. Besides, he says i can see my 'good friend' there.

. I spent the whole evening blow drying my book until I fell asleep. And then I woke up, and I dried the rest of it. It's out of shape now.

I make myself think towards the positive side of things every time. They can say all they want, what have I got to lose anyway? And I managed to live one day happier. But the next day, when the same comment was made, I felt hurt again. Then I had to pull myself up and think, "I made it through yesterday, what more couldn't I take?". So I lived another day again. But I can't forget them. I can remember all the remarks they made about me being "stupid" and all.

My mother always say I'm a strong girl and I should continue to be one. I hope she're right because I'm alone. Because I'm alone, I should be strong all the more. Grown ups are weird. They feel good when they criticise you. They make you feel awkward if you are the odd one. They make you feel inferior when you already know that you are not cool enough. There was one pleasant young man who was following me from store to store one day. He smiled when I finally decided to stop to look at him. But I debated against what I was going to do next. My immediate reaction was to smile back, but if I were to smile at him, he would probably start a conversation. So instead of smiling, I looked at him expression-less and left the store. Why am I doing this? It is because he is a grown up too, and he's capable of doing all of the above! Then I'll think, what if he gets to know me more? Will he criticise me like my friends do and make me feel stupid, inferior and outcasted? Well, if there is a possibility that he will, why should I talk to him then? This process goes through my mind all the time when I meet new people.

That's why I always feel happier when I try to surround myself with children. They are pure, and they never act like that. A smile from them can brighten up anybody's day. The spirit of innocence gathers so strongly when you see them playing on the courts during recess. Whenever I talk to children, their answers are straight, like "I want to play" and "I like you" and "I have a best friend. Her name is Sarah. I like her very much because we do everything together".

The hard fact is, children are genuine and sensitive. You can scold them and they will love you still. But if you have a sudden change, they can feel that change in you almost immediately. How? Imagine if you are deaf, and somebody is talking to you. You can't hear what she's saying, but you can see her body movement, her gesture, the way she makes you feel with the look in her eyes. You feel everything much more clearly because you don't hear what she is saying. That's how children react to people. They feel more than they hear. Sarah never once felt that her best friend is not good enough for her because she has no expectations. Sarah likes her best friend for who she is. And that's why this little cousin of mine likes her best friend too, with the purest intention ever. Somehow, I'm attracted to children more. I never hated them even when I'm scolding them. I've talked about innocence in several posts previously, but this is one post where I felt I should write so much down.

This form of innocence, what is it exactly? Do you understand it? Can you feel it inside you? Try seeing things from a child's perspective. Try living like them. I will try too, and this will be my resolution to life. I'm sure it'll defintely make your life much more simpler, and happier.

Better to act like a fool than to be the real fool.

i always appreciate a good conversation but it comes so rarely. As rare as good men!
but i managed to meet up with one of my cousins today. even though we share different beliefs now, still it's my blessing to have somebody like her in my life. positive as usual, she brought her high spirits into my life as well. many times, i couldn't find somebody who could hold a conversation with me like she does. And i was very surprised she trusted me so much that she'd put in good words for somebody she doesn't know at all, and she didn't even ask who i was speaking up for. If im ever happier, it's all thanks to this girl.

and my way of thanking her, i don't know. probably teaching her little stuffs like making dolphins and roses from play-doh.=)



"Character is higher than intellect... A great soul will be strong to live, as well as to think."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

i am aware of this since a long time ago.
just that the fact kinda gives a silent confirmation.
i probably look hostile.
i'm adjusting. i am.
but still, rama is nice to me. he says nice things even when i'm acting like a bitch at work.

Hi. Happy 2009 =).

New year's day is...
a work day. for me. Ha!
Been rushing stuffs, one after another though my internet was down.
Even now, i'm pausing only to relax my brain. And to recall a new book which i just finished reading yesterday.
I bought it on the 3rd day of 2009, finished it on the 4th,
and now I'm recommending it on the 5th. ha.
that's lame.
and it doesnt even rhyme. boo. ha.

Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen.
It's a book with an exceptional plot - right in the middle of a Circus. Rich, entertaining and haunting at the same time. Elephants are faithful creatures indeed.

"She was cool, languid. Smiling even. I started pushing my way toward her, but something about her expression stopped me cold. A giraffe passed between us - its long neck bobbing gracefully even in panic - and when it was gone I saw that she'd picked up an iron stake. She held it loosely, resting its end on the hard dirt. She looked at me again, bemused. Then her gaze shifted to his bare head.
She lifted the stake high in the air and brought it down, splitting his head like a watermelon. His plate opened, his eyes grew wide, and his mouth froze into an O. He fell to his knees and then toppled forward into the straw. I was too stunned to move. So long ago. So long. But still it haunts me. I knew how important it was to keep her secret, and keep it I did - for the rest of her life, and then beyond."