days seem so long now.


was at Borders with Sian late friday night.
couldn't find the book i wanted.
can't think of a present to get for her.

too much.
i was affected by what people are saying about me.
and foolish enough to think that i could run away,
i always thought it would be better if i don't go.
one less event i attend, one less thing for people to talk about.
but i realised,
they always have something to say - good or bad - no matter what i do.


i'm not looking for attention.
i love talking to new people i meet.
but that doesn't mean i'm an attention seeker.
it's refreshing and you'll never know when you might end up with something special - like a new knowledge or perspective.
you learn something new. all the time.
and you'll never know when these acquaintances might come into your life again.


i didn't feel like posting on this blog anymore previously.
but it's not worth doing this over somebody's nonsense.
which is why i'm saying all these here tonight.


having cup noodles for dinner tonight.
i've been living on that most days for the past week...
the more i eat, the more depressed i am.
i should stop.

the last 2 weeks of school seemed so different for me.

finally, i initiated a smile at the children
which makes me realise i've never actually smiled at a kid all the time i was here unless they smiled first.
it took me almost a year to open up to them.
now, i'm clicking better with my boss's class too.
and having lunch during the lower primary recess is actually kinda fun.
i enjoy the noise.
this feeling is different.
and ben stopped by my table at lunch today,
he finally forced a smile shyly.
every thing in each and every one of them, even the mistakes they made contain bits of innocence.
i understand why everyone prefers to teach primary school kids.
if this is my calling, i'd have the same preference too.



i know, people are leaving.
that feeling is sour.
sour to the core.
i've grown too attached to my boss.

have you ever had something that you wanted to do very much?

and yet everyone is tellin you not to do it?

well, go for it.

go!

life is full of uncertainties.

how different your life turns out to be depends on how brave you are.

this is bloody fuckin silly.

yesterday, i found out that panadol no longer work that well for me.
never knew such pain could make people tremble and cry so badly, can't imagine i had been experiencing it every month for these past three to five years. and probably another thirty more years to go.

female doctors insisted i stick to panadols.
old doctors insisted i don't take anything.
today's doctor suggested i take contraceptive pills instead.
and of course, there's finally a doctor who advised me on this.
gave me positive and negative effects of both types of medicine.
because, eventually, it's still my choice, he said.
as much as doctors seemed to enjoy leaving pple notes to take home for more research, I gladly welcome these notes too cos they teaches us so many new things that we need to know.

well... because this doctor is really handsome, and in the midst of trying to read his ugly handwriting, i didn't realise the paper he wrote on had the words "VIAGRA. Hard Quality Erection" printed on it.