today, i realised...
different kids do give you different feelings.

today, the boys didnt want to run...
everybody stopped after 4 rounds...
only one boy continued until he finished the 8 rounds,
and then seeing all his team mates tired and slacking down and, at the same time, trying to lie to me about the number of rounds they did,
he started the 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th round. for them.
i made him stop.
and found out he's actually the team captain.

it seems, this kid here really does have an amazing personality deep inside of him. and yet it had showed so easily.

everytime i stay up drawing... i get hungry.

strange is,
i miss this feeling of hungriness.
the sketch unlocked the load in the center of me.
fills up the emptiness i felt,
and probably, had allowed the hunger to devour my mind at the same time.

Then I was screaming, and everything was colour and sound, everything was alive and good. I was throwing my free arm around Hassan and we were hopping up and down, both of us laughing, both of us weeping.

"You won, Amir agha! You won!"
"We won! We won!" was all I could say. This wasn't happening. Then I saw Baba on our roof. He was standing on the edge, pumping both of his fists. Hollering and clapping. And that right there was the single greatest moment of my twelve years of life, seeing Baba on that roof, proud of me at last. But he was doing something now, motioning with his hands in an urgent way. Then I understood.

"Hassan, we---"
"I know," he said, breaking our embrace. "Inshallah, we'll celebrate later. Right now, I'll run that blue kite for you,"he said. He dropped the spool and took off running, the hem of his green chapan dragging in the snow behind him.

"Hassan!" I called. "Come back with it!"

He was already turning the street corner, his rubber boots kicking up snow. He stopped, turned. He cupped his hands around his mouth. "For you a thousand times over!" he said. Then he smiled his Hassan smile and disappeared around the corner. The next time I saw him smile unabashedly like that was twenty-six years later, in a faded Polaroid photograph.




"How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know. He wants to see me."
"Is it . . ."
"Yes, it's safe. I'll be all right, Soraya." It was a question she'd wanted to ask all along -- fifteen years of marriage had turned us into mind readers.
"I'm going for a walk."
"Should I go with you?"
"Nay, I'd rather be alone."

My suspicions had been right all those years. Rahim Khan knew all about Assef, the kite, the money, the watch with the lightning bolt hands. He had always known.

Come. There's a way to be good again, Rahim Khan had said in the phone just before hanging up. Said it in a passing, almost as an afterthought.

I lay in the dark the night Rahim Khan called and traced with my eyes the parallel silver lines on the wall made by moonlight pouring through the blinds.

At some point, maybe just before dawn, I drifted to sleep. And dreamed of Hassan running in the snow, the hem of his green chapan dragging behind him, snow crunching under his black rubber boots. He was yelling over his shoulder: For you, a thousand times over!


- The Kite Runner

i'm gonna have to admit it now. just in case i havent said it...

this is not for me. really. i paid to clear my mind off this impossible dream.
this was not what i wanted to learn in the first place.
they got it all wrong for me.
i made it all wrong for myself.
i just wanted to draw.
with just that intention, purely. aye.
which is why, i dread doing the assignments which are totally off my genre of art.

dad thinks i'm no longer an art person after i said this.
so you can't really draw, can you.

no. i can't... believe that i can't draw anymore.
i just found out that i have been pointing my arrow in the wrong direction.



nevermind girl, keep running the race. you're losing today. but it won't be for long.

it almost knocked me down this morning.
the slower i go, the faster it comes.





i wished it had ran me over.


but when i reached school, saw the kids. their smiles and their energy.
and then i think of my mother,

i'm glad it hadn't.

why is it that the people who discourages me all the time are the ones i loved the most.

NAPFA week. been working from 7 to 7.

and yes, i've been skipping too many lessons. my work has taken up every drop of my energy.
i know my parents are kinda disappointed with me over this. i can't promise them anything now. really.


prize-giving for the syf groups at the am assembly today. the kids insisted i scolded a bad word into the mic after i read out a wrong name. I DIDN'T! HOW COULD I!?

there was a lil' bit too much going on in a day today. didnt have the chance to go back to my workstation all morning, . but it was really very sweet of Rena to leave a bottle of juice on my table after the assembly. aww. =)))))


attended a hula hoop dance workshop at BLGPS later today. it was FUN! i wanna play somemore!


my report is due today and my damn bloody busy schedule jus makes me forgot about it TOTALLY.

The month of May. My christmas. Presents presents presents. The joy of giving. Haa!

OT on Friday, M.B drove me home (yaa,iknowiliveverynear). Read some materials, got some important info prepared quickly at night. Woke up early on Sat, and gave tuition till mid afternoon. Attended X's birthday celebration till Sun morning. Went for Mac breakfast with D, and reached home at 10am. Slept for 3 hours, and helped my mom with her agar-agars for Mother's Day celebration at Grandma's place. Home again at 10pm. Cancelled swimming.



Gatherings are only good for weekends. That's why everything is so closely packed together. I'm seriously very tired mentally. Homework is piling up. Assignments deadlines drawing nearer. In class, A counted for me that I've only got 2 weeks left to finish everything. NAPFA test is starting tomorrow. Which means I have to be at work before 7.15am everyday. This week's going to be hectic both at work and school. Sighs.

Again, i'm asking this question, How do i put up with these.

one email of a woman who gave a dumb answer on Who wants to be a millionaire from yiling made me went on a search for that video on youtube. but instead of finding it, i found the full coverage of a man who cheated (yes, cheated!) on national tv, in the same show in 2001 in UK.

he simply read out the choices 1 by 1, and his accomplice coughs at the right answer. this is part 2 of 8. if you follow, it actually shows how he cheated his way through and won his million dollar, but of course, he wasn't awarded the money.

whenever you come home with new books,
she sits down on the floor and
gets ready to wrap them up for you.
and you'd ask her what she's doing to your books,
she'd tell you she's protecting them from your small clumsy hands.

you came home today.
found a tear in your new book.
and you wished you could find something to wrap it up with.
you looked for her.
but she was asleep.
and you realised,
it's been 10 years since
she last wrapped a book for you.

since i've been lazy for such a long time,
(& receiving feedbacks on my blog construction period hah!=p)
i guess i really shldn't think of creating my own blog skin anymore.
skimmed through my drive and pulled out this temp skin.
figured it's good enough to, at least, look appropriate as a finished skin for now.

i'll do up my blog maybe... next month... or somewhere in august.

i'm stupid.

i know i'm overloaded at this moment.
so many things, and more coming my way.
I've planned my year. Hah! This is the first time that i've planned something for myself in my entire life!
At least, I feel more useful now -
doing things not just for myself.

In the midst of preparing for the triathlon my cousin got me into (which is one of the things i have to put aside time for),
i was 'pulled' out of the swimming pool by a lifeguard.
he asked if i wanted to learn life-saving.
"I've been watching you for an hour and I find you a good swimmer."
(great! but i've got too many things to do at the moment.)
The fact is, I've been wanting to join the lifeguard corps in poly,
except that there are infact, eh-hm, a few 'factors' that actually made me decide against this so-called sport.
Even now, Dad discouraged me, of course. (As usual what.)
"What happens if you really see someone who needs help? You gonna jump into the water and save?!" (there he goes again.)
Please, am I going to hesitate against helping an injured, since I'm first aid certified?
Who wouldnt help if they have been taught how to? (except, of course, I do send children back to their classes if their injury is too minor.)
Even if i'm in heels, I would take it off and try to save the casualty if the situation allows,
Or stay guilty for the rest of my life.
And so, there, i got myself one more thing to do.

Was actually planning a diving trip this June with one of my colleagues (i shld re-learn all over again)
but, again, time doesn't allow and,
this plan's a goner for this year. Again.
Earlier, the inline skating coach was asking,
"Hi, wanna learn?"
"No."
"It's alright you know, all the other teachers are learning."
"Nah, I can't. Got 2 groups of students to take care of."
"It's okay, they just stay around here, you don't really need to do much."
"No, really i can't."
"Have you tried before?"
"No..."
"You'll like it."
I have been resisiting against the temptation to say yes thrice,
and I wish I could!
It seems so much fun!

Have been skipping classes every now and then,
my lecturers sure find me a headache.
Dad has been asking me,
which is more important: work or my certificate.
I'll say work - and sadly, nobody questions where my priority goes to.
I know i can't multi-task,
so if i were to choose one,
it is obvious. Your record goes with you for that few years.
but this course is just about acquiring a certificate - which i might or might not need - in the end.
My trainer and lecturers had said before, what is more important is whether you learn something, not that paper or card you gonna get.
I'm not a good designer, not a good artist either
and i know that.
But at least my school gave me opportunities to practise what i learnt.
My reward for designing their tee shirts: Free tee-shirts.





Anyway, I'm happy doing what I'm doing now.
Even after meeting the guys (girls la, but general term) from the other schools,
and learning that i have been bullied in my school.
I'm too easily satisfied.
Just that bit of happiness made me put aside the unhappiness i face everyday.
sometimes, i think i'm stupid.
for allowing myself to be bullied.
"I'm a simple person."
"You are?"
"Yes."
And still feels contented with having so little things in my life.
Be it friends, education, and the items i own.
so little. yet so dispensible.
and yet,
so happy.
I wonder if I'm really happy - Because I am.
I wonder how stupid i can get.
It seems to me that being happy is wrong here.
But here's one thing you got to know...
behaviour, personality, mind-set, and attitude can be changed, even though some people think it's not possible.
Emotions are different.
Knowing that it's impossible to change how you feel at that particular moment,
means you have to learn to face it and do some self-control.
Emotions are something which you have to be honest with yourself.

So!
whether i'm happy or not,
i'll face it, and let my days pass with as little worries as possible.